Jacob – Waking Up Before Coming Out

Posted by on July 12, 2013 in Transformational Stories | 2 comments

From the start of what dawned as the life of Jacob I realized that I was simply different then the majority of society. It took me many years to realize the fact that I was “different.”  I grew up in a christian household with strict moral understandingof how things should be, and how I should live my life going forward. As you can imagine it was the story of work hard, go to college, marry a woman and live a happy life that I was chasing after. You know, the christian way to a pleasing life for God. Childhood was difficult and nothing was ever consistent and with the divorce of my parents I felt I had no identity in this world. So I put all of my efforts into sports, and avoiding the fact that I was ‘different’.  I always knew I was gay somewhere deep within, but I avoided it with every mechanism of my body.  It was so obvious even at the age of 5-7. I remember how I used to always stand with my hip out to the side like most women do. But I knew that wasn’t the ‘manly’ image so I learned to change those habits right away. I was always trying so hard to just fit into the society, to the conditioning of what I was told I should be. These images haunted me for many years. Actually they haunted me all the way until I was almost 20 years old. 

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The shift and the transformation happened after I had an awakening to Life as it is beyond my conditioning. As I was sitting in my bed during a hurricane, with an Indian Saints book on my phone, I realized that my whole life as Jacob was a construction of something that wasn’t absolutely REAL. In that instance, the shift from personality-conditioning to being in touch with my presence exchanged. But even after this explosive and destructive hit to my sense of Jacob I still didn’t come to terms with the fact that I was gay. In fact in those moments after that experience I was more in the peace and wonder of the unknown quality of life. Free from any labels that I placed on my experience. Months after that happened I stayed with what I had intuitively felt and experienced – everything from that silent place. Insights where coming through often and I was seeing everything I was not. And with that seeing, spontaneously, freedom was being experienced and felt more and more relatively. The dreams I once had of being a baseball player and such fell away as I hurt my arm and saw that my happiness wasn’t something outward but within me all this time. Everything was changing and yet something was constant which was my own Self as this unknowable space.

Then one day, as I was at work, a friend of mine Chris came in with a guy that I only heard of. He happened to be gay and, as he came up to the counter at the convenience store where I worked, I let him have the frozen drink for free. I don’t know why I gave him that drink for free but something just went with it. A couple of days later it was New Year’s Eve and Chris invited me to the young gentleman’s house to celebrate the night. As I entered his basement my friend Chris jokingly said, “This is my friend Jacob, he’s straight, he likes vagina.” We all got a good laugh in that moment. This was a normal occurrence from my social group, to joke that I was gay. They never actually believed it because I don’t exhibit the stereotypical and biased traits of what people think gay people are like. That night went well and we all had a great time and this was the first time I actually hung out with someone identified as gay. It didn’t seem to bother me, and I was very at home in that space. A couple weeks later I got a random text from a number I did not know. It happened that Chris gave him my number and he decided to text me. It started out as normal conversation between two people but that quickly changed as conversation deepened. As I was in awareness as this all was happening, I started to get a weird feeling about him. I started to feel a pull towards this young gay male and it was unlike anything I had known.

At one point we got into talking about sexuality and I made this statement: “I love all equally, men, women and it makes no difference to me. I’m just a lover.”

As soon as that text was sent, I knew it was a lie, I knew that it was over. I couldn’t hold the image up anymore. I was to sink into the ocean of whatever this meant to be gay. And even the word ‘gay,’ I knew, wasn’t what I was. I knew instantly I didn’t have to live up to any image of what it meant to be gay. And so the conversation continued and we planned to meet. It was quite an experience to observe my reactions to him, as I had such a strong pull sexually to him. He obviously knew I was gay but waited for me to let go of this image I was up-keeping. I think we went to get food and then went back to his house. My body in that moment was in-between fear and excitement and then I gave it all to Life (the unknown). We sat down and then got closer together and boom it happened as we kissed and connected. Instantly the doubt of being unsure that still slightly lurked, because the mind was fighting in between, vanished into thin air. Before that kiss I had one last belief that made me doubt what I intuitively knew. It was, “could I kiss a guy” and it was shattered to never return.

It’s funny, looking back, how in-denial I was about that part of life. That part of myself I hid for so long and the mind played with it because the mind never wants to experience pain. The mind never wants to be vulnerable and exposed. But I knew from my awakening and ongoing process that the mind was just a thought, and that it did not describe who I was and did not contain ‘me’. I made my mind up in that moment, you could say, that I would come out to my friends. The unconscious fear of that image of Jacob came rushing back stronger than I have ever experienced. I remember that day when I told Chris. My heart was pounding as I told him I had something important to tell him. That car drive was intense. The emotions went all over the place and I found myself speechless for most of the ride. Then, out of nowhere I uttered, “I know we have known each other, Chris, for a while now and I must say that the Jacob you know has been partly a lie, I’m gay.” Instead of seeing the mental projection of what I thought would happen (rejection), I actually experienced an embrace and loving expression of acceptance. This broke a layer within me. I saw and noticed that the mind projects outward but it’s simply not True. Just because I have a fear doesn’t mean that the fear is actually REAL.

I faced the rest of my friends and it was much more relieving but still I hadn’t come out to my family. But with my stance for personal freedom from this bondage I knew it was only a matter of time before I would expose myself to that unknown reaction. First came my sister and with a new face came a new challenge. As I entered her house again, the fear rushed into my body but I stayed still and didn’t run away from it. I mustered the courage after a little while to tell her and then she said, “I know I had a dream about it.” I thought I was going to faint. I so deeply trusted in who I was in that moment and soon after came out to my brother as well. And then I wrote my mother a letter because something inside couldn’t face her with those words in person. The emotions in those two weeks were up and down almost every day. But I stood still in the midst of it all, without running, without seeking outwardly, just as I was. I knew I wanted nothing but the Truth and I settled in realizing it was inseparable. I couldn’t be separate from what I knew deep down, which is that I was gay and no one could take that away.

As time went on and I have been able to express myself, my personality has changed dramatically. I once was closed off, afraid to express myself in the fullest, but the awakening to Truth and my willingness to let the image of Jacob shatter brought me into this unknown freedom, joy and happiness. It wasn’t attached to anything and it was free from all knowable descriptions. It was the freedom to Be myself, the freedom to allow myself to be vulnerable and the coming out process taught me many beautiful things. It taught me the mind may project but the projection is not the Truth. It taught me that when the image of my fear, of my dependency on happiness from the outside shattered that I still remained unharmed and in completeness. It taught me so much because I stopped projecting into something I wasn’t. I choose the Reality of things over the fear of this identity of Jacob. I look back now and this transformation seems quite crazy like it didn’t even happen to me but it did. I encourage you to drop the fear, to drop into yourself, and to let this transformation process happen from that silent, complete place within yourself. Let love be expressed, and don’t hold back because you fear others. Awaken to who you are beyond even the identity of being gay. Beautiful, Infinite, Aware, Presence.

Jacob Parece is a teacher living in Warren, Rhode Island. His website is www.jacobparece.com. He can be reached via email at jacobparece@aim.com. He gives one on one session through Skype into the inquiry of life.

  • Marcos Villareal

    It is quite a beautiful story-and a good looking kid to boot! I do wonder about these spontaneous waking stories. In older non-dual traditions waking from self was something that was unusual and something grace would bestow on a certain few who worked at spiritual practice. Now there are people who are coming out all over the place claiming this extraordinary state. What has changed?

    • Jacob Parece

      The awakening to the fact that what I was and who I am is indescribably inseparable from awareness/presence was spontaneous but the work on the path is always ongoing. Every moment as we sit in our own silent nature we awaken to the beauty that it unfolds as. Its an ongoing journey in the timeless realm and it seems many more are popping out of the old way of seeing things. For me it was suffering which helped push me into challenging and for others it may be something else. But still the actual numbers you could say of people aware of this potential within themselves is very low. I say this because I work with the public in an ordinary job and many are asleep to who they are.